treatswords

The night before I moved to Seattle, I had a nightmare and it haunted me every mile that my dad and I (and the car sick cat in my lap) got closer to our destination.

It was that I had stepped out of my apartment door onto the wet streets of Seattle. The wispy rain hanging in the air, leaving gray kisses on my blonde hair. The seagulls were swooping down to dip their feet into the ocean waves. I was surrounded by gray birds, gray rain and a massive gray body of water. I was swimming in the gray glory that was Seattle.

Then someone nudged me. My eyes went from the gray abyss to the pool of people surrounding me. They were all staring at me, their eyes gray and blank.

“Who is she?”

“Why is she here”

“Can’t she see she doesn’t belong?!”

I couldn’t escape the murmurs, the annoyed sighs. The rain became stiff and then I realized that I was drowning. I was sinking to the bottom of a city I didn’t know, surrounded by people that I considered strangers.

Well luckily I awoke from that nightmare and also from any fears about moving. Instead of dwelling in fear, I conquered it.

I chose to swim.

And now I am floating in the rainy, wet city of Seattle.

Now that I’ve been here for almost a year, I have a few not so scary things about moving to share with you all.

You Won’t Stick out like a Sore Thumb. 

I thought the minute a true Seattleite wearing her Seahawks jersey, holding her umbrella saw me, she would know that, “That girl is simply not from here.”

Well, that is not the case. In fact I have fooled one too many Seattleites. This woman in particular said, “Ahh, the rainy season is upon us, it seems to drag on forever doesn’t it?”

“It does, but I don’t mind the rain,” I said toasting my coffee to the Seattle Gods above who I felt were nodding in approval of my answer.

“Well, you sure get used to it,” she said smiling and walking towards Pike street.

You don’t have to pretend you’re a resident. You can simply respond to residents however the hell you want. You can share your extravagant endeavors with them, or pretend the rain is your home. Or you can reply with,” Well, it’s sure better than the snow dontcha-know?”

GPS Is a Necessity, But It’s Okay if It Doesn’t Always Have Your Back 

GPS will become your entire world for awhile, it will become your phone-a-friend and your life line. But don’t worry, eventually you will find your way home. I remember my first day alone in Washington . I decided I would explore the city. I hopped in my car, set my GPS to the nearest coffee shop and headed that direction. About half way there my GPS lost it’s signal. It explained to me that it had no service, it did not know where the fuck I was, and that I best pullover before I ended up like Alice (yes, the one from Alice in Wonderland) down a deep hole, drinking from a cup that says, “Drink me.”

I pulled over on a random street in a strange place I didn’t know and I started sobbing. I sobbed for the days when it only took me five minutes to get down town. For the days that I knew every bump and pot hole in every street. I sobbed for the times I had taken knowing direction, for granted. I felt sorry for myself for about twenty minutes. Swearing up and down that I would never leave the house alone again. NEVER. And then something magical happened. I turned my car back on, drove back the way I came until my phone got service. Then, I made my way back home. It takes awhile to learn your location, just be patient with yourself and your GPS.

Don’t be Afraid to Do Things Alone 

I always said I would never be that girl who ate at a restaurant alone.

Well I have become that girl and in fact, I’ve grown to enjoy it. There is something so grown up and sophisticated about dinning alone. You can have peace and quiet while you enjoy your hot meal, sip on your wine and observe the other couples around you.

The ones who are nagging, fighting, on an awkward first date where they don’t want to touch their food, or sitting in some weird type of pissed off, I’m-so-sick-of-you, silence.

You are none of these things.

You are sophisticated and alone.

And you are damn proud of it.

In fact most of my afternoon adventures are spent alone. Browsing the mall, getting groceries, hiking, grabbing coffee.

And because of that alone time I have uncovered many rocks and dusted the cobwebs off of the cities cutest, most hidden spaces. Like that small hole-in-the-wall pub or that little antique book store without a sign. I have found a few hidden treasures that only the residents know about and have tried to keep them a secret.

Explore. And don’t be intimidated to do it alone.

How Easy it is to be Yourself Around Complete Strangers

Social anxiety is something I’ve always dealt with. I’m one of those people you meet that may seem kind of quiet and sort of….blahhhhh, at first. But if you spend an afternoon with me, you’ll find I’m quite the opposite of both those things.

I’ve always complained to my parents about the people who never took the time to get to know me, but disliked me anyways.

“But if they would only take the time to get to know me!” I would say.

Well moving to a new area, working in a new building and having to complete that work around strangers, sure gets you out of your shell right away. It’s vital that they get to know the real you. There is no time for that, “But if they would only give me a little more time,” bull-shit. Get straight to the point. Be you. These people don’t know who you were in high school, they don’t know that your mom used to coach the soccer team. You are a blank canvas So paint away, add new lines or keep them the same. It is totally up to you.

I was myself right from the get-go at work. And it happened without forcing myself to be. I just shed my anxiety cocoon and came out a butterfly.

A me.

Ready to share my personality with everyone around me. Just be yourself. The right people will love you and the ones who don’t are just jealous of your ability to be yourself.

Shine my dear, shine.

You Will Miss Things at Home and that’s Okay

This last December when I walked into my dad’s kitchen a lot had changed. Our dog had gotten hit by a car a few months back and the emptiness was painfully vivid. Like blood spilled over white carpet.

Her doggy gate was gone, her food dish no longer beside the sink. And there at the center island sat a man with a silver mustache. Something had changed in him.

My dad had aged.

And I had missed it.

I had also missed the new stores that had been built in town. The new drink special that had been added to the menu at my favorite spot. I had missed the fact that,

“She had gotten her heart broken and had become a new woman.”

I had missed the,

“He is a dad now, yeah they had a kid. And I swear he is a better man because of it, or so I’ve heard.”

My mom had a new ladder leaning against her wall. I had missed her many home decor projects which had become old news to her.

Most importantly I had missed the death and funeral of one of the greatest men that had ever lived.

My grandpa Cliff.

And that change clung to me like lint. It was not going anywhere no matter how many times I tried to pick it off.

I had missed the small details. The clock that had changed rooms in my moms house. The new dresser that sat downstairs at my dads.

Places and people had changed.

Time hadn’t stopped like the kid in me had secretly hoped it would when I left.

It kept moving.

And with that, came great loss.

The kind only death can bring.

I had to grieve the time I had lost and accept that things were permanently different now.

New, but resting in an old place.

And that is okay.

Just remember that you are gaining more than you are missing because you are seeing a part of something that not everyone gets to see.

You are experiencing life and there is no reason to feel guilty about that.

We are humans and we need to continue growing.

We all need to become more like weeds.

Moving to Seattle has made me become a weed.

And me and my green stem are proud of that.