treatswords

It is truly horrifying how hard our minds fight change. We linger at the same job, plant roots in a city we know every street in and cling to the friends we’ve known forever.

We love falling into a routine because its cozy. Routines are like slippers. They are taking your jeans off and slipping into sweats after a long day. I am 100% guilty of this. I fought moving to Seattle up until the day I left. I cried, stomped, rationalized my way out of leaving my cozy Minnesota. I dragged my feet until finally I was sitting in the U haul, my life packed in a van, my cat car sick in my lap. I can go back home anytime, I can fly back immediately if I need to. I told myself this over and over again just to get out of North Dakota. My dad left after he moved me in and I was convinced my sadness meant I made a mistake. How could I do this to my dad? To my family? How could I be so selfish? My comfort zone tried to pull me back home. It convinced me that opportunity and growth was selfish. Luckily Seattle drew me in. The rain pushed me into the cities gutters and I’m not sure I ever want to leave. I have never grown as much as I have during my move. It taught me every life lesson all within one year. Want to know the biggest lesson of all? The world isn’t so big. It isn’t so scary. We are all human beings. There is so much of the world to see and home will always be there.

I grew a little.

I fought my trip to France. I told myself how scary it would be to leave the country. I convinced myself I would get stuck in a city I did not know surrounded by blank faces who I could not understand. I tried to cancel my abroad trip at least twice. Reluctantly, I went. And I saw a part of the world that spouted magic. I stood where Picasso, full of sorrow, painted his blue phase. I looked into the eyes of the Mona Lisa and stood beneath the metal arch of the Eiffel Tower. I met a French bartender who loved classic music and danced behind his bar while he sipped red wine. I ate food from a menu I could not read. I wandered a palace made of gold where a king once slept. I heard the bells of the Noter Dame. The cities history grounded me. It filled me with culture. I left Paris thinking I was full, but my stomach growled. I had tasted a small bite of the world and I craved more.

I grew a little.

The day before I went sky diving I had a trail of bad luck follow me. It left hard, stale bread crumbs and it wanted me to follow them back to my comfort zone. I had ran a marathon, I could do this. My mind told me how running 26.2 miles and leaping from a plane attached to a stranger are two totally different things. I was convinced the bad luck meant that I would die during this event. It was clearly a sign from the universe that I was not meant to take this literal leap of faith. I went. Mostly because I had convinced two other insane people to do it with me. I told myself I could back out at any minute. I repeated this until I was touching the clouds, sweating inside a multi colored leather hat, legs swinging into space, my butt sliding from the airplane ledge. I puked, miserably when I landed. But I felt adrenaline, my mind completely cleared for the first time in my life.

I grew a little.

I started my new job today and I fought going with all my being. After work, I went over ways of quitting and rationalized how I could live off of unemployment for a few months. I immediately wanted to run back to DVE just to slip back into my warm seat, turn my space heater on me and continue to do a job I outgrew just to stay comfortable. That place becomes like a black hole that will do whatever it can to keep you there. Leaving that hole feels impossible because things become unfamiliar the second you step out. I knew my job like the back of my hand which meant that I could not fail at that job. A new career on the other hand is the monster under the bed. Why is a new opportunity so petrifying? Because it is a stranger. I have to start from the beginning. I have to go through a few awkward first dates with it, I have to gain it’s trust. I have to prove myself all over again. And my mind fights that idea, it despises the idea that I may fail this time around.

And yet I set my alarm for 5:30, much earlier than I had to get up before. But I do it anyway.

I grow a little.

Failure and crawling out of your comfort zone are some of the scariest things we have to do in life.

But I do believe these moments that we are frightened and uncomfortable is when we truly start growing.

It’s not easy, it never will be easy.

Fight that comfort zone.

Grow a little.