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Authenticity with Kristy Kalpak

“Kristy, I have known you for over ten years and in that time, I don’t think I have ever seen you attempt to be anyone but yourself. Un-apologetically, you are Kirsty Walls (Kalpak) whether someone finds it endearing or not. That is why I wanted you to have the word, Authenticity. A lot of us struggle with coming to terms with being ourselves, at all ages, lets dive in.”

1. Have you ever struggled with self-identity? If so, can you go into detail about a time in your life when you felt this way and why you think you did?

Certainly. Many times. I think as humans we are always having constant experiences and we are continually expressing ourselves and reflecting that upon other people and perhaps society. Everyone has that secret inner self. We are beings full of emotion, hormones, and experiences and it would be almost impossible not to have any fluctuations. However, when it becomes more than just your ego hurting for a bit and your self-esteem and self-confidence struggles, it can manifest into something like an identity crisis. If we are not aware of our mind and the tricks it plays, or the repetitions of thought that lead to poor habits, we suffer longer than necessary.

I think I may have struggled the most with self-identity in common places in life when my environment completely changed, like in high school and college. I’ve had tough times dealing with some mean girls, getting new friend circles, wondering if I’m pretty or cool. I mean the usual stuff. When you’re younger you’re more eager to please people and desire approval. Recently in my life I’ve been traveling a lot (2 years) and I’ve never been so far removed from everything I knew. I moved to Hawaii, came back to MN, got married, and then went off to Europe. I’ve never done something so different in such a short amount of time, and I really struggled for a bit about who I was and what I was doing. I realized I was telling myself stories that weren’t true like, “you shouldn’t have moved here, you should wait until retirement to go to Hawaii” or “maybe I stepped on the wrong path and my life is now in this crazy tornado of change.” Of course, now, in retrospect I see that it wasn’t true and I was just dealing with fear and uncertainty, with a touch of feeling false pressure from societal expectations.

2. Has there ever been a time when someone just…..didn’t like you? If so, how did you handle that?

Haha, probably more than I know, but specifically yes. I have this one memory of a girl in high school who just straight up did not like me. It was the very first time I felt this. I was in a bubble of positivity and niceness and I thought everyone liked me, but then this girl popped that bubble and made me realize that even if you’re nice, you’re still going to irk people, even for just being too nice! And maybe geeky. I sobbed that night, I cried so hard when I learned she had talked behind my back, I honestly felt so alone. It was hard to move past but it was my first scar and that’s kind of how it always goes since you’re young and vulnerable, just building your ego. It’s funny, you have to build an ego and then later into adulthood you realize you have to let it go. Anyway, I ended up realizing that it was just ONE person. One person who had their own view of the world, and one who might have had a damaged ego herself and didn’t know how to deal with it. Either way, who cares. It didn’t stop me from breathing and being grateful for life.

I also had great friends that lifted me up and made me feel less alone. I realized these people, the ones who see through the surface drama and treat you like a human, are so worthy of my love and attention. I’ve always looked up to people who aren’t afraid to be themselves. I liked their authenticity as you see in me, and I guess that means its working!

In the end it gave me confidence and a firm grasp on what kind of people I wanted to associate myself with. I had a stronger sense of realizing the true intentions of others, and it has led me to have great friendships with truly great people.

3. How would you describe who you are? What makes you, you?

I’ve always been really interested in people’s inner lives. I always wish to know who they really are, and I fully realized this once when I went walking around a neighborhood by myself one night and thought, “Wow, I wish I could see what everyone’s houses are like and just come and have tea with them and talk about life.” Everyone is so different, and it’s so fascinating! It’s kind of a metaphor for desiring deep connections with many people. That’s why I went into Psychology. I loved it too- my favorite class was either Social Psych or Trans-personal Psychology. My favorite psychological term is Self-Actualization.

More personal: I came from a mother who is open, positive thinking, and just full of love. My father never let a bad moment ruin his entire day, and he hardly misses a beat when there’s a problem. I think that’s why my default is a positive outlook. I am a number 7 in the Engram (enthusiast) and I’m INFP (healer) in the Myers-Briggs quiz. While those tests may only do so much, it’s a lovely little glimpse into how I view myself. I’ve been described as open, calm, positive, non-judgmental and creative by friends and employers. I’m right smack in the middle of either being introvert or extrovert. I love the moments in coffee shops all to myself and I don’t mind being alone, but then again there’s nothing better than a wonderful day with friends or family. I think a lot, I have had a diary since I was 6 or 7 so that helps with capturing a few, and I am always questioning how I can improve myself and I love seeing the same tenacity in others. I live to motivate and nurture that part in others, since I know it’s so important for the overall happiness of our lives. Also, its hard to do it all on your own!

Nerdy stuff: I love stupid jokes, even puns. I like to show off nerdy dance skills when the opportunity presents itself, and I like blasting sub-woofers in my car. I love writing and reading, smoothies, and cats. And dogs. Okay, really all animals.

4. How do you manage to stray true to that version of you?

Being so, so grateful for every day I get to be alive. Like, I’m breathing today with two legs that can walk and eyes that can see? Hell yeah. I’m pumped. As I write this, I’m sitting with a view of the ocean, the mountains, palm trees, and even a little pirate ship thing moving across the water. What the hell! This is so amazing, who gets to do this? I’m not saying you need a view of mountains and ocean to be grateful, you just need to think about things in a new light. Things you might take for granted. There will always be people above you and there will always be people below you. Be humble AND be grateful. Everything else (like materialism) just doesn’t fucking matter when you realize the big picture. Suddenly, when you have bigger things to think about like God and how you can light your light for the world and bring your brilliance, it just doesn’t matter! Why would I care about what people think of me when I have much more worthy causes to think about? I remind myself I don’t actually want to be adored by everyone. That would be weird. I would feel like I’m little rug in the corner staying put for everyone to walk on.

5. Has there ever been a time in your life when you felt you weren’t being true to yourself or that you were trying to be someone else?

Hahaha okay, yes, it’s funny because the first experience I can remember was when I was super little, like 7, and I was on the bus ride home from school. I noticed other kids were always talking talking talking and I…didn’t really. I loved looking out the window and just thinking, which sounds odd but I just loved to do that. It helped me think, and I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. Anyway, one day I decided I would be cool and turnaround in my seat to talk with someone behind me. We had a great conversation for what 7 year old’s can have, but the bus driver had to yell at me to turn back around in my seat. I refused, thinking that this was what the other kids did all the time and why shouldn’t I? Well, I never turned around and when the bus rolled to a stop in front of my the bus driver ended up handing me a big red ticket that I was supposed to give to my parents (if you get 3 you kicked off the bus). I remember feeling so proud for just a moment, like “ha, I’m freaking cool” but afterwards I laughed and realized it was obvious I was just trying to be someone else. And it completely backfired.

That always stayed with me and taught me a valuable lesson, but I’ve had other times where I would say little things to fit in in high school, you know, just trying to be like everyone else and have a place. But every time I would do that it would end up backfiring and look obvious I was just trying to be cool…so life just doesn’t really let me be anyone other than myself, I’m not really good at acting. It’s a lot easier just being your geeky self and embracing that shit. I actually love weird people so much, it’s like you can breathe around them. The more authentic moments and weird hobbies the better. They make for much more interesting people.

6. How did you ground yourself from that experience if you had one?

I think if there’s a time in my life where I feel just not myself, I have to remember who I am through nurturing myself. I mean like meditation, bath time, massage time, journaling, going for a walk in nature alone, just like really good 1 on 1 time with yourself where you can sit with yourself and hear yourself think. Introspection is good up to a certain point. Once your energy has leveled, you can start to future journal and get your mind off what happened in the past. The mind is a tricky thing and can hold on to negative thought way too long. You have to catch them and learn how to turn it into positivity, much like the “Ridiculous” spell in Harry Potter.

7. If you could tell someone why they should be un-apologetically THEM, why would that be?

Have you ever felt the magic of making a slight fool of yourself and then having other people around you loosen up and become more…”real?” It’s an energy system people understand. You also know when you do something outside yourself, and feel weird energy from that.

Accepting yourself is being in harmony with your truth. We are vibrantly, amazingly, beautifully A L I V E and I cannot overstate how much your individual spark is needed in the world. Have courage to be imperfect, treat yourself kindly so that you have that courage. Let go of who you think you “should be” for who you really are. This is the way to inner peace and happiness. What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. It’s necessary. We live in a vulnerable world. It’s about asking people out on dates, firing someone, getting our artwork bashed, research bashed, I mean there are uncertain situations everywhere. Sadly, lots of people turn to addictions like alcohol or medication to numb that. Our job is to live within our vulnerabilities, give with our whole heart, make that presentation happen even though you’re nervous, go to that interview even though you feel under talented, walk out that door even if you’re afraid of the world. If you are vulnerable, you are alive. So be grateful, keep going through experiences because they will strengthen you and build you up to who you want to be. One of my college professors once said, “Fight the good fight.” It’s not always easy, but the challenges make life sweeter in the end. Go GET IT! Every single day.

8. If you could give five tips on how to work through the negative back lash we get when we create, explore, BE ourselves, from others, what would those tips be?

1. Don’t take it personally. Don’t take it personally! Harder than it seems, I know. But, does everyone like the same piece of art? No. Does everyone like the same movie? Definitely not. But somebody out there loves it, and that’s where you’re needed. Every single day is an opportunity for positive growth and that’s the beauty of being human.

The interesting psychology part: Let’s say you are devastated when someone on social media makes a negative comment or criticizes something you put effort into. When you give in to the hurt of your ego, you are having this inner thought that goes something like “This person has something important I don’t have. What they offer is of true and lasting value.” Your inner thoughts are saying this person has something you desperately need, and it’s called approval. And it doesn’t make you weak for wanting it, it’s actually normal because being human is all about connection. You just have to learn to leggo of the ego and jump over the pain of rejection like a hurdle on a track. Specifically, rejection of an extension of yourself (your work, art, whatever) makes you feel rejected as a person. It makes you feel afraid that you are unworthy of human connection deep down. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. You are SO worthy of human connection, and by trying and failing and trying again, you are lessening your sensitivity to it thereby creating a more successful version of YOU.

2. Keep a list of positive things people have said about you. You shouldn’t need this as validation for yourself to feel worthy, but it is a priceless tool when you fall into your shadow self too hard and can’t seem to get out of your existential funk. Read over the list slowly and remind yourself that you have higher pieces of yourself to come back to. One quote I treasure was from some guy in college who was showing everyone his paintings. He seemed so confident with his paintings and I felt intrigued because I have always struggled with insecurities in showing off my own work. Without knowing this, he suddenly looked up at me and said, “Just remember- someone will always like your art, or whatever you create. Maybe not everyone, but you need to create because there are always going to be people out there that like your stuff.” I knew instantly this was something I’d keep with me forever.

3. Know thy circle. Surround yourself with positivity and good things that encourage your growth. This means your Instagram page too! I recently realized my mood changing after I went on Instagram so after noticing that pattern I looked and saw how negative my feed was becoming. I un-followed all the pages I felt were causing it and ended up discovering and following a ton of new ones that only encouraged growth in the fields I’m interested in. Sometimes, you have to look at what you’re surround by and change it, even if it be Instagram. Of course, friends you have in your life is more complicated than a social media page. It could be the most challenging but rewarding thing you have to do if you feel the need to place boundaries. Know you’re not alone, you’re not being selfish (far from it), and that you are most like your 5 closest friends. If you really want to change your life but you look around and have a sinking feeling that your friends are not helping your growth, consider setting boundaries and finding new friends who are.

There is an interesting piece of information I’ve seen that says start-up businesses thrive in Silicon Valley more than anywhere in the world because everyone’s default reaction to someone’s new idea is, “Wow, that’s great, let’s think how we can make it more successful” rather than everywhere else in the world where it’s most likely, “Ah, hmmm, so how are you going to make this work?” Positivity makes positive growth happen.

4. Prepare yourself mentally for the day ahead by using meditation, breathing practices, or future-journaling. It doesn’t have to be essential oil heaven or yoga mat perfect. My writing is done really sloppily each night and breathing practices with my phone and headphones in the living room in the morning with people walking by. Who knows, you might inspire someone else to do it! Focus less on the perfect environment for having a daily practice and more about what’s going to motivate you to do it. It’ll set your mind on a good course to remind yourself throughout the day, with every conversation and every experience. If you don’t have time, try just simply making it a habit to make your bed every day. Good habits help you believe in yourself.

5. Attack your thinking patterns. Think of what you’re TERRIFIED to do. Start that blog, make that art, start that business, call that person. You’ll fail, you’ll succeed, you’ll learn, you’ll be beautifully vulnerable. People on a good course in their life will help you succeed and lift you up and motivate you. People who aren’t working on themselves might try to tear you down or judge you. Who cares. Do it anyway. I read a quote once that said, “If nobody hates you, you’re probably doing it wrong.” And while that doesn’t mean be an asshole, it certainly shows the reality of life. The naysayers will never fulfill you, their approval is not something you need. You need to give yourself approval to move past it and to be your badass self with great confidence, and a focus on what you can do to be the person you want to be.

9. Do you have any daily exercises that you do mentally or physically to maintain a positive outlook on one’s self and others who maybe project negativity onto our lives?

Yes, as I’ve touched upon in number 4 above, I grew a new love of future-journaling. I always kept a journal throughout my life, but this is much more proactive and productive way to better yourself. It is explained best by Dr. Nicole on yourholisticpsychologist.com. I highly recommend her website and Instagram page. It goes like this: when you normally journal you usually go over your day and just try to get things out of your head and onto the paper. With future-journaling, you are demanding yourself to think about what you want to be motivated to change and you get to keep track of it. For instance, a goal I wanted to work on was to finish this interview today. I know I sometimes put things off because I’m sort of perfectionist at times and my brain likes to wait until the situation is “perfect” but perfect isn’t realistic and I’m slowly learning that my perfectionism is an excuse for insecurity. I am learning to be more open and vulnerable. I don’t know if I would have remembered that today if I hadn’t written it last night.

As for people with negativity throughout the day, I feel like every genuine smile you have breaks their wall. Each kindness you give without expecting one back creates trust and lets them become more vulnerable with you, which is encouraging their growth. It seems that person needs someone like that! Be that person for them, unless it’s a chronic cycle that you cannot help them with. At that point it is better to create a boundary and move on to a better friend/ lover/ person.

10. You seem to be able to bring out the child in you. How does being able to find your childhood self help us in adulthood in your opinion?

Thanks! That cool you see that. I think childhood was innocence. It was the pleasure of being ignorant to how the world works. It was freedom without being free. Raw, real, and so vulnerable. It’s our authentic selves before we received wounds and learned to patch them up. Societal expectations, parental expectations, even friend expectations can lead us further from ourselves and the authenticity we held at childhood. The more we try to please others and live within what we think they would be proud of, the more you abandon your own drives and inspirations and, ultimately, your own happiness.

Remembering your own authenticity before all of that is your childhood, so knowing that you can vulnerable and raw again in order to grow and be flexible with the ups and downs of life is crucial for adulthood.

11. Do you have any examples, advice, exercises that can bring the child out in ourselves? What can we learn from that person? What do you learn from the child within you?

Remember that first time in a long time when you cannonball deep into a pool or an ocean? Or singing so loudly when your alone and laughing at yourself in the mirror? Do something super nerdy and goofy to remind yourself that whatever you’re caught up in doesn’t matter. Dress up in your most random clothes and dance with loud music. Basically, make fun or make fun of yourself. Remind yourself not to take yourself so seriously. It’s not that you’re regressing back into childhood, it’s that you’re remembering how it felt to be yourself without caring what other people think.

Before I moved to Hawaii for 8 months and leaving my job I held for 3 years, I was so excited but also so afraid in the background. I was telling myself stories like, “NO one does this, I feel like I’m doing something wrong, what if this is just a stupid idea?” Even family members were a bit concerned with how I was going to make money and shocked that I was just straight up doing this at times. Of course, in retrospect, all those family members were proud and amazed after everything went fine, and I felt a great sense of purpose and direction. I felt so happy that I was doing this for me, something I dreamed of my entire life. I moved through my insecurities and maintained the positive mindset long enough for it to catch up with my reality- that I was thriving in Hawaii. And the thing is- I could have completely failed. I could have came running back to MN with my tail between my legs. But I didn’t, and I had the best experience of my life. I think remaining in touch with that authentic self and knowing what I wanted versus telling myself false stories and feeling societal/ familial expectations really got me there, and I want the same for everyone. To be able to remember who they are and focus on that.

12. If someone clicking onto this blog could only read one piece of advice from you, what would that be?

Accepting yourself  is being in harmony with your truth. Start by knowing that vulnerability and living raw and honestly with your needs is the only way to live with a deep sense of satisfaction. Remember we are ALL worthy of connection. Being human is all about connection. The more we can self-actualize the more we can grow true, honest, and courageous connections that give life to better ways of living for all of us.

I’m tired of everyone trying to tear each other down because their own sense of self-worth. I’m tired of the judgement people pass without living one day in their shoes. Let’s lift each other up and motivate our friends, our mother, a stranger on the bus, your grandmother for crying out loud. God knows some days you need that. Just start inside yourself and realize the only opinion that matters is your own, and spread that inner goodness out when you’re ready.

 

13. Have I not touched on something that you would like to share? Please do!

One last tidbit for the ladies- I’ve recently downloaded a free app called “Clue” that tracks your monthly cycle and it helps to avoid that surprise day where you feel like absolutely not yourself (usually right before your period). It happens every single month and it’s such a relief to know why you feel out of wack. I’ve been treating myself on those days with really nice baths, extra chocolate, and indulging in Netflix. The most important part is to not be so hard on yourself during that time. Know thy cycle.

Great resources to check out for exploring further: yourholisticpsychologist.com, mindbodygreen.com (class on being the most attractive version of yourself), actualized.org, Deepak Chopra, Evan Carmichael channel on youtube, Brene Brown Ted Talk on “The Power of Vulnerability,” and Gary Vee on Instagram.